I’m a person who loves a system. I streamline and organize and improve processes by nature. I’ve done it since I was little (just ask my Marge, who still has nightmares about me re-organizing her kitchen drawers!). In my pre-motherhood life, I had the household chores assigned to a day of the week:

Mondays: Grocery Shopping
Tuesdays: Admin things (bill paying, phone calls, appointment making, etc)
Wednesdays: Cleaning & houseplant watering
ETC

Here we are in the Motherhood days, though, and my systems and schedules are often dictated by the needs of a small human who has been teething nonstop since 6 months old. Intense teething weeks are hard. Nothing extra happens. The Wednesday house cleaning gets pushed to Friday, then to Sunday, then maybe, sometimes til the following Wednesday (how long can she stand a dirty house?). It was maddening in the beginning, but I think, by now, I’ve learned to re-use my to-do list until the things are accomplished or just set aside. I don’t cross nearly as many items off of my lists. My systems aren’t the boss of me; they’re simply a tool I use.

I say all this to say: Systems aren’t everything.

We can follow as system to the letter and end up exhausted, angsty, or, as Micah says sometimes, “dead wrong,” which is to say: Technically correct, but dead on the inside, devoid of Love.

Whether it’s a roommate situation, a marriage, or a church family, the ‘way we’ve always done it,” the prior expectations, the rules we’ve made up for ourselves in the name of flourishing, at some point, fail, and then what do we do?

I was talking to a friend this week who is partnered to a person with a chronic mental health challenge. It isn’t the partnership they envisioned when they entered it. The way the terms of the partnership were defined before no longer fit, and that’s painful for all parties. When we find ourselves in a spot like this, do we disengage, or do we do the mourning work we need to and then get curious?

If we choose curiosity, I think we’re opening ourselves up to be governed, not by the systems that have worked in the past, not by broader societal expectations, but by Love. We start to ask ourselves questions like:

What’s the most generous interpretation of this situation?
What does this moment of life require of me that’s different? How do I meet this moment?
How can I honor my own feelings while being open to the changing needs of others?
What situations are mine to worry about, and which are best released?
How can I try to see myself and other folks the way God sees all of us?

These days I’m trying to be a person who switches gears graciously and relatively quickly. If I’m walking in step with Love, I trust that nothing is wasted in the midst of that change, and maybe, just maybe, there’ll be more life in the process, too.

May you be met in the midst of your systems this week by the Love that is there when you need an alternative. Amen.